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Off the Internet

 
----- Original Message -----
From: Robert A Jason
 
Dear Friends:
 
Well, its time again to relax, let your hair down and have some fun, for a change.  In Canada, especially, we need to laugh - real bad.  After all, we have in this befuddled country the following:
 
Henry "The Butcher" Morgentaler. 
Svend "The......" (I'd better not say or I'd be hauled before the nearest Human Rights Tribunal for a "hate crime") Robinson. C-250. C-392. Other vile C-s.
Jean "The Little Guy with the big stick" Chretien. 
The nine lawyers/politicians/ideologues/autocrats/judges on the Supreme Court - the real rulers of Canada. 
The frighteningly powerful, influential special interest groups. 
SARS. 
Mad cow disease. 
West Nile Virus. 
Holly Jones murder and pedophiles running amock. 
No sex registry but one billion dollar gun registry to register duck hunters. 
No law to protect children but a law pushed through urgently by Liberals to protect animals.
Billion dollar boondoggles galore. 

And on and on it goes!  No wonder we need to get away from all this lunacy once in a while - and laugh.   Here are some tidbits to smile about:

 
<><Robert><>
------------
 
The doctor told me "Physical exercise is good for you." I know that I should do it, but my body is out of shape, so I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere:
 
Monday:
 Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through paperwork.

Tuesday:

Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of mole hills.
Hit the nail on the head.
 
Wednesday:
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the band wagon.
Balance the books.
Run around in circles.
 
Thursday:
Toot my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.

 

Friday:
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Go over the edge.
Start the ball rolling
 
Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.
 
Whew! What a workout!
You are invited to use my program without charge!!
 
 
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest"

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
 
-------------------
 
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW  advanced out of the dust cloud towards him.  The driver, a
young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leaned out the window and asked the shepherd...

 "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have  in your flock, will you
give me one?"

 The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a  yuppie, then looked at his
peacefully-grazing  flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

 The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM  Thinkpad and connected it
to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where  he
called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then
opened up a database  and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas.  He
sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a  few minutes, received a
response.

 Finally, he  prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then
turns to the shepherd and says.......

 "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

 "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd.

 He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his
car.

 Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly  what your business is,
will you give me back my animal?"

"OK, why not." answered the young man.

 "Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.

 "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

 "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although
nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew,  to a
question I never asked, and you don't know  anything about my business....
Now give me back my dog."
 

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