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EVER FLY ON A QUANTAS PLANE??

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"  which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.  Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers (marked with an M).

(By the way, Quantas [Australian] is the only major airline that has never had an accident.  This report on their upkeep system tells why...  :-)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
M: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.  

M: Took hammer away from midget

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